Archive for May 9th, 2009


“It’s all ahead of you, like a wheelbarrow”

Last night I was engulfed by a sense of melancholy. I was watching High Fidelity (again) on BBC 1, and though I very much enjoyed it (it’s one of my favourite films, based on what is undoubtedly my favourite Nick Hornby novel) I couldn’t help but feel a longing for a certain ex-girlfriend. It wasn’t simply because it deals with the breaking up of a relationship (though that was surely a factor); it’s more that this is the kind of film we really would have enjoyed watching together. Also, much like the film’s hero, we used to enjoy making little mix-tapes for each other. Music was one of our things. In fact, I’m still proud of my last Valentine’s Day gift to her, a collection of the least corny and cheaply sentimental love songs I could think of (Yo La Tengo’s ‘Our way to fall’, Sultans of Ping’s ‘Let’s go shopping’, that kind of thing). Now I don’t want to give the impression I’m still in love with her and want her back. It’s not that I still miss her, but occasionally I do and last night was one of those times.

I’m normally not one for whiney navel-gazing (disagree if you want to), but I think on this occasion I can be forgiven. You see, today’s my birthday. More than that, today I turn 30. I no longer have any rightful claim to the adjective “young”. For fuck sake, I’m practically middle-aged.

Of course this is something everyone faces, if they’re lucky enough to live that long. I shouldn’t think that I’m anything special. I do, however, feel entitled to a level of introspection today. I’m 30 years old. I had always assumed that whatever path my life would take, it would have at least started by now. Yet here I am, directionless and penniless. I do have a good I idea of what I want from life, but no clue on how to achieve it. It’s not just the joblessness. It’s everything. I’m single and living with my parents. I have friends, but nobody I can say is a real friend, if you know what I mean. Family aside, the closest living things to me are a disobedient dog and a neurotic cat.

I’m also bothered by the sense that I wasted my 20s. Ok, I got an education, and I did travel a bit, but nowhere near as much as I would have liked. I really feel I should have partied more and learned to enjoy myself. I certainly should have had more sex.

Anyway, never mind my neurosis. If you’ve reached 30 you’re probably laughing at my pathetic ramblings. And if you haven’t, as one well wisher recently told me, it’s all ahead of you. Like a wheelbarrow.

This aside, if you’ve been wondering why I haven’t updated in while, it’s due to an ironic combination of being busy with other commitments and too lazy to post. Sorry about this.